Layoffs and Cutbacks and Hope: The New American Dream

After four solid months of selling $20 vacations and raffling off cars, we got the news on a Monday, that we had been laid off. "We" includes the marketing sales team of at least 20 people, 3 of which I had hired.


The job, as bizarre as it may sound, was like a dream to me. We would pitch a tent at a festival, hang up our custom made banner and we would sell more than anyone would believe, including me.


When we got the news, I was adding up the totals from another great sales weekend, planning which bills would get paid first. After hearing "Sorry you've been let go, effective immediately", it's hard to focus and I began staring into space wondering how my car note would get paid and how in the heck I was expected to get my credit back on track.


The next couple of days, I was a nervous wreck, opting not to drive and decided long naps was the best way to cope. I didn't curse anyone out, or lose a sense of my abilities to succeed regardless of the circumstances....for me I was more concerned about how my bills would get paid...and I called on two of my closest friends to help me through the rough days.


So over the weeks that followed, I slept, watched tv, resumed a workout regimen and snagged a few days of work from the tv station. Not too bad for someone who only has three more checks followed by uncertainty ahead of them.
But I never became depressed. After years of working 2 or more jobs at a time, I welcomed the break from corporate obligation and the pleasure of being able to work out, because frankly I had nothing else to do.


I never had the chance to turn into a full blown nervous wreck either...because several jobs have been waiting for me around the corner. An estranged colleague reached out and offered me a job that not only pays great, but it combines my tv skills and my interest in travel. Then, before that job even began, I received another unconventional opportunity, to get paid well to use my car for a 10 week promotional campaign. Not too long after that, my travel sales boss called and told me we are working for a new company....a better company than before. That's the good news.


The bad news is, The creative travel gig and the car maketing gig, although touting great pay, are still pending...meaning they have not begun and I haven't received any of the great checks I am expecting to receive. And as for the travel sales gig, I am sitting in the middle of day 2 with no sales. I finally learned how to sell the $99 packages though, I did pretty good last week. But today, nothing. Yesterday, one. Motivation, zero. I will try again tomorrow, I won't call the weekend a bust. But as far as this Friday night, in this Chicago suburban town west of Harlem avenue is concerned, I am no longer interested in trying to sell to these people. Several have told me they have no money. And you know what, I can relate. I can't buy one either. Not today anyway.


But I am still optimistic, the most money I've ever made in my life is around the corner. Despite 2 weeks of down right ugly paychecks, this might be the best financial year of my life....so I have hope.


I also have hope in the love department too. I finally met someone, who has a nice smile and has serious determination to stay off the layoff block, with two jobs and the desire to get a college degree here in America. He already has a college certificate in his home country, but here, in order to achieve the American Dream, he has to take those classes: Composition One, Statistics, Calculus, Composition Two, over again. And when one of his jobs, cut his 40 hours down to 25, unlike the other men I have dated that had nervous breakdowns and stopped calling me, he just picked up more hours at his other job..and kept calling. It's nice to see, nice to experience. And it was pleasantly unexpected.


You may recall, this isn't the first time I have dated someone from another country. One a student, here to obtain a MBA in International Finance so he can return to his country as a force to be reckoned with. But he completely ended the romance when he got laid off. He didn't feel too much like hott stuff after the layoff.

Another one....the Soccer Coach...quit his job because he could not handle the inner city youth. Now, he is trying to obtain the American Dream, become a citizen, get a job, buy a car, buy a home so he can bring his family here. No time for girls when you are trying to achieve the American Dream. I suppose he realizes how hard it is to to get all those things so many of us take for granted.

So many foreigners are here trying to be like us...but are we that great? We forget to receive blessings when we don't have a job and are quick to stab others in the back when we have one, so we can stay on top.

I am proud to say, I have hired and now myself been fired and as long as you don't look at my bank account....I can honestly say I'm doing pretty good :-)

Free Vacations, Free Drinks and A Back Stab...Priceless

I thought I was okay. At the moment, I really didn't comprehend what I was hearing. Now, a week after it has occurred, I realize that yet again, a friend of mine has crossed the line in staggering proportions.

I'll be honest; it took me a week to realize what had occurred, because I had a drink. Okay maybe, two. But I still remember when someone whispered in my ear that night, about how two people, especially the female friend of more than 10 years, crossed the line behind my back.

So now, on Monday at 2:41 am after I have e-mailed an excel spreadsheet tallying the sales totals from the weekend....and after I updated a daily lunch blog for market research...his words somewhat kind of came back to me...and I realize what had taken place here...and it doesn't feel too good.

But it is events like these that get me writing. Betrayal, financial stress, layoffs and cutbacks. I have actually steered clear of disasters for a while now. No stories to share about being underpaid, robbing Peter to pay Paul, or the escapades of the financially distressed.

For the past month, I have shifted gears. I have become a freelance TV reporter and a full time marketing manager for a small vacation resort company. My job, in a word, is unconventional…. but I love it. I never thought I would bond with vendor style employees, over the smell of funnel cakes and fake designer bags, but I really am having a great time out here.

I barely miss the daily tv adrenaline rush of running to the scene of a crime and making it back in time to put the story on the air and build a weather forecast. Although my life is still extraordinarily busy, life is calmer, simpler and I can help out my family more…. and I can still partake in what I do best…anything free.

I still enjoy free meals, the occasional free drink and I even snagged free grilled seafood and free jewelry today.

I can still share the free love with the world, handing out free travel size toiletries and free vacations...one consumer at a time.

But it seems no matter how happy I am, no matter how black the bank account balance is, no matter how many people I pick up, drop off, hire to work, share my lifestyle with, there is always, just always someone around the corner looking to hurt you....of course they'll beg and plead that it wasn't intentional....but they do hurt you...and for some reason I cannot cease to be amazed.

Within the last month, I have been let down by at least three people. If I shared the full details your mouths would be agape and you would shake your heads in disgust. Although my heart is bogged down with disappointment this very second....I'll be ok.

What's great, I am a happier person. I really am having a lot of fun out here. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, who I 100% realize now is my best friend…. and the many woeful stories I have reported over the past few months have happy endings.

The laid off relative...has a job. My friend of a friend forced to take an unpaid vacation is back to work, my other friend who thought she was approaching foreclosure is up to date on her mortgage...and I am finally, finally meeting men who have stable jobs and are a pleasure to be around.

If you don't know me...you'll know I am not out here dating for money...I really want the real deal. But men who have been laid off, that I have met, are thoroughly depressed and are not in a mental position to be a boyfriend.

But now I am not so sure if I want to be a girlfriend. I have endured so many disappointments from friends and people I've dated, right now it seems it’s people that don't make sense, more than the economic crisis.

My little financial stress…. is finally approaching an end. I am not there yet, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. But when it comes to people, nothing...and I mean nothing is making sense.

Ironically, those who have let me down, yet again, just so happen to be part-time employees, unemployed, or maybe when they did have work, I hired them.

The only solution for these miserable people, GET A JOB! ANYWHERE, or go to Church or go to Hell….because that knife you have just plunged into my back…..kinda hurts.

Change is here, But it is Hard to Find

There are plenty of things for me to do these days.....but still seems as if it isn't enough. Tv Station during the day, promoting video games during the evening...time share tour promotion...on the weekends.

All of this work now means, checks are on the way later...of course I am happy about that...but I am still not fulfilled. There are only so many stories I can cover, without the aid of a photographer...and so many nights I can promote at bars..to people trying their best to enjoy an evening out without a t-shirt getting thrown in their face.

It really would be nice to not have to worry about the bottom dropping out under my feet financially because I have been laid off from work...and it would be so nice to confide all of my future plans and goals with someone who cares about me completely....someone other than my mother...or my best friend.

And I do share these conversations with others, but I suppose, as I have mentioned before, in addition to true career success, I also crave true, genuine, uninhibited love.

Up to this point, I have met men at clubs, I have met men via the Internet and I have met men just out and about and all of the relationships simply imploded. The weight of the economic crisis shattered our romance into one billion pieces, leaving me disappointed, but luckily no longer depressed. At this point it is nothing short of humorous and it is a fantastic tale to share.

The latest addition was a Real Estate Agent. The Agent is tall dark and handsome, with zero percent body fat and a gap toothed smile. He is extremely attentive and conscientious and his interest began with an offer to buy me a drink and it continued with an offer to make me tea with honey and lime. But as time went on and our relationship grew closer and as the marriage discussions flirted in and out of conversations over healthy breakfasts...it ended. Just like that. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. Ok. So here we have an Agent, trying to sell a house when no one is willing to pay the price it is being offered for. And that is just the beginning of it all. If your income revolves around home sales and nothing has been sold in months...the faucet of money is literally turned off. It's over. So there is nothing left to maintain a certain lifestyle and nothing left to have the capability to financially maintain.

I can relate to that. I totally understand frankly...but it would be nicer if I just stop ending up with men who may aspire to date but realize they simply need God or a job....not a woman. It's nice to know you have that effect on people...three dates with me, then they are compelled to fast for a week and attend church to get their life on track.

I suppose some one-hundred dollars and 3 lime teas later I was too much of a financial liability for someone dealing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But everyone has the weight of the world on their shoulders. Just about everyone. I have only met two men in my quest for love that were financially stable and their job showed no signs of problems.

The engineer, or maybe he was a computer programmer, I can't recall because he was boring, or perhaps depressed. All he wanted to do is watch tv. When we met he only ordered a Sprite and barely drank it. The Police Officer, was completely and totally and I use this word sparingly: crazy. I honestly thought he would shoot me if we ever had an argument. He even flashed his badge when we met. A complete and total attractive weirdo who is running around with a gun. After a week of phone calls, I couldn't take it anymore.

But the nice, caring, intelligent, attentive ones are unemployed...and unfortunately are so dragged down by their problems....they are incapable of being constructively introspective so they can move along with life...and figure out what their next move can be.

I have already endured one of the worse experiences in my life, so I feel I am made for this challenge of creatively generating income, keeping my head above water and carrying around the cojones to make another move in my life. Is it scary....yes, am I slightly apprehensive yes... but am I going to do it? Yes. And I wish others would too. Instead of wallowing in their situations they can use this rock bottom status to really make a change. It's only hard to change, because so many are afraid, not because they are incapable, but because of fear of failure.

But if you are laid off from work, if you cannot afford to go to school, if you aren't selling homes, if you hate your job, shouldn't you just take this opportunity to take a chance? Do something? Get out of this rut?

Because...I need a date. And I don't want the date to flip out and run to church afterwards because we kissed. And because people need a serious self esteem boost and wouldn't making a life-altering decision like selling your dang-on near foreclosed property instead of watching the value disintegrate or moving to another country...the country you always dreamed of living in seem like not too bad of an idea right now?

But don't get me wrong, I am following my own hunches. I am overcoming the fear, so I can make a change like tomorrow.

Change is here, but it is hard to find, because we are not looking at what is right in front of us.

I would like to mention when I originally began writing this post...it was going to be about racism...but my words went in another direction. It is so unfortunate...that racism still exists....the uncomfortableness of a crowd when a brown face is among them...it really breaks my heart. In 2009, people should not feel uncomfortable when entering an establishment where other races congregate and they are the minority, when it is apparent others really don't want you there, simply because your skin is different than theirs. It is unfortunate and it makes me cry. Change in regards to racism, I also would like to believe is here, but it is hard to find.

Finally...Thank God

When you work two jobs, spending your days running around with a tv camera and your nights broadcasting weather...and your weekends...marketing and promoting whatever product for whatever company pays the most...you forget about church. Or at least I do.

I shouldn't say I forget about it...it's always in the back of my mind.... a little piece of guilt that I am pushing vacation travel at a fishing show in Rockford rather than praying in the pew alongside others who are trying to start the week with a fresh start.

But what I have forgotten frankly and so pleasantly reminded about everytime I go back...is how wonderful church is. And how relaxing it is. And for a few moments I am not worried about the stock market or recession related violence or layoffs, I am thinking about God.

My rat-race paced life, which after layoffs have happened at my job, seems to have picked up even more. There is minimal time to engage in meaningful conversations with my co-worker friends...minimal time to have coffee before I work on a story...minimal time to make sure I look my best...I only have time...barely...to get it all done. Thank goodness today, one of my assignments sent me to the middle of a cornfield in Indiana to a Catholic Church where they were observing Good Friday.

They were praying and singing in unison...and then the entire congregation kissed a wooden cross that symbolized the cross Jesus died on...on this day.

Then, they held communion, prayed and said the Lord's Prayer.

As the priest walked down the aisle with the cross...I was thinking about the horrible torture Jesus went through....really....he was beaten, whipped and then nailed to a cross...and symbolically speaking it was in exchange for forgiveness of our sins. And whether or not you believe that Jesus died for us...you must agree it was a horrible death. And I here I am...during the Lenten fast...eating sugar...although I alledgedly gave it up for Lent. I really feel bad about that now.

I was also reminded today to forgive those who trespass against us. I have harbored so much anger...I have been angry at those who have treated me poorly in my romantic and social relationships....due to the economy. But more recently, I have been angry at the economic downturn and it's ripple effect on our society. It really is bad if hundreds are laid off and cannot pay their debts and if marriages are falling apart because they cannot withstand the stress of financial catastrophe. Or people killing people...in mass numbers.

As I left the church...I felt calmer...grateful for this brief moment with God even though I was on the clock. Maybe if everyone...impacted by the economy takes a moment to pray, thank God for the blessings we have and forgive those who have hurt us...we will be happier...more at peace and better able to handle the worst that comes our way.

How bad off can we be if we are online...reading and writing....rather than getting whipped and beaten?

Thank God.

Cold Hard Murder

There is so much happening out here. It seems layoff victims have escalated from stress and cigarrettes, to divorce and murder.

I mean there have been so many stories in the news, both local and national, that make me wonder if they are related to someone's financial turmoil.

Besides the rash of bank robberies, that seem to happen so frequently now...people running in the banks without masks or guns...not killing anyone...but demanding cash and getting away with it...It seems more people are resorting to cold hard murder.

I noticed this long before the 20-something year old man in Alabama killed 10 people. Or before the mentally challenged person open fired on his pastor in front of the congregation.

My first realization that layoffs could lead to murder, is when I had to rush to the scene of a SUV in the marina at the Horseshoe Casino in Hammond. It wasn't just a car in the marina..a body was in there too. A man apparently shot a woman several times and pushed her out of the vehicle...or she jumped out. She died near the dock of the marina. The driver, then shot himself and the Hummer landed in the water, with his body inside.

What really happened here...is speculation...no one really knows...or at least the truth hasn't been reported to the media. But here we have 2 people, both from out of state at a casino in Indiana. Did they gamble all they had for one last shot at financial success...or was it a domestic situation gone wrong? But dead bodies by a casino, probably isn't anything new, but I can't help but think their financial situation wasn't looking too good.

Factor in stress, the economy, the latest cigarette tax and overdraft bank accounts...I can see the reason for relationship related discomfort. I even saw a little bit of a story, that was going to air on Good Morning America, where a woman said she lost respect for her husband, because he lost his job. When the video showed him, he was in tears. She was relentless and strong in her opinion, while he felt worthless.

Even the student I am somewhat dating, he is so confident, so intelligent, but he has lost a spark, since he lost his job. Somewhat depressed that his days can be spent only studying rather than working. Although, I have not lost respect for him. Because it is drive and determination that is attractive, regardless of the end result (Right?). But it is very difficult to pursue or enjoy a relationship when finances are perhaps foremost in your thoughts.

While some relationships and marriages are falling apart, I think there are so many relationships that are growing stronger.

My relative who has been out of work for at least 3 months now has been the most pleasant she has ever been in her life. It is amazing. Perhaps the fact it is her husband who pays the bills while she is amused at the distress of others while she uses change to make purchases..or her current Master's Program that incorporates Doctoral Program classes, or perhaps the fact that she has the time to be a perfect housewife to her husband is giving them joy. While I believe he is carrying the brunt of the stress on his back..they are happy...and will be off on their wedding anniversary trip to Canada that was paid for by her unemployment check.

Like my relative, I have always found creative ways to make money and pay for things. If it comes down to it...I use change. It is no longer embarrassing. I will not go to the extremes like my relative and buy something for $12.46 using nickels, but I do it and always have. If I want to travel to Puerto Rico, I will go on a Time Share tour to snag a free trip. If I want a bowl of chilli, I get one from Wendy's for $1...if I want a drink in a bar, I go on special's night (I am talking $2 to $3) or go with a friend who is picking up the tab. If I will be late on my rent or car note...I call the landlord or lender and renegotiate a payment schedule.

I have always found joy in my creative spending plan...while it seems so many others have been forced into this reality I have been living all of my life. They aren't happy about it, they feel worthless to the point where they want to kill someone or themselves or both. I have lost friends who have lost their minds when they have lost their jobs and I have tried to help them. For people like me, currently blessed to be working more than one job, although the pay is marginal at best....it is sometimes awkward to step in and help someone out of work. You may be either cursed out or killed. I mean c'mon, this is an opportunity where we can reconnect with ourselves, with all of our talents, with the realities of survival and our creativity. For me, writing and listening to a free CD I burned for free is relaxing. It is a better solution than just cold hard murder.

Just like this weekend, I plan to shape my own eyebrows and manicure my own nails, rather than paying for someone else to do them...and if I can find the time...reschedule a time share tour. I'd like to go to Vegas, where hopefully there are no Hummers driving near marinas.

A Highway Robbery

Just when you think you have it the worst, when you work as a reporter, it is not hard to find someone to beat you in the "woe is me" competition. So while I am dreading the inevitable next step in my life which is moving out of my apartment I share with a relative to move back home...I met 300 people who were laid off from work today.

So while I am excited about my opportunity to cutback on my expenses, others are forced to find a way to pay their mortgages and support their families.

I simply want to buy a new pair of shoes, put gas in my car without overdrafting my account, buy some new shoes and repair my credit score and maybe I will pick up a pair of new shoes. These are silly ambitions compared to supporting a family.
I realize that. But I also realize, we always want what we cannot have. While 300 people want a job, I want my apartment. The economy is robbing us of our desires. No matter how superficial, trivial or integral for basic needs...we have been robbed. And wanting what we cannot have has grown into massive proportions.

And it seems it won't stop...the wanting-robbery is hitting almost everybody. This weekend...while working my part time job...I met a couple who had to pass on $20 travel because they are still trying to figure out how to replace their 20K loss in retirement savings. They were robbed...and the gentleman wearing his overalls and flannel shirt told me there was no other way to look at it.

And I feel as if I have been robbed of even more than the opportunity to make more money...I have been robbed of the opportunity to find an eligible and available bachelor. I have already told you about the electrician who considered us the perfect mates, until he realized his financial situation was too extreme too date. Then there is the Financial Consultant who does not want to be caught unprepared during this economic disaster. So he is studying for 2 degrees simultaneously. Sure...both men sound great...one planning for the future...one honest...this will be great a year or two from now! Right! ...But what about now? I have been robbed of what I want (a relationship) and have to settle for what I can get...nothing. One of the Laidoff 300 even flirted with me today...asking if I am looking for a husband. Yea, sure. I live in the basement at Mom's and he is unemployed. What will we do? Spend friday night's at Aldi's and at the Soup Kitchen for lunch dates? I mean this is just not the way we are supposed to start out dating right? And doesn't this just give men a boost in the "He's Just Not That Into You" Category?
"Sorry I can't date, I've been laid off....I have a midterm....I have to pay for car repairs...but why don't you just come over...but you can't come back tomorrow because I have to go to the unemployment office after I finish my exam and take the bus to class."

The economy has robbed me of what I want....and now I can't have it. This has forced me to decide to go back to school just like everyone else. I want to be one of the millions of over-educated unemployed people in 2010.

So then I can be robbed of something else: The ability to pay back my student loans.

This Finally Makes Sense

For weeks, I have tried to articulate or express what this Presidential Inauguration means to me. As a journalist with an insatiable quest for all things worth discussing, all things amazing, all things controversial...I found myself at a loss for words about all this. Until today. I have a unique perspective on race. I am an African American, raised not necessarily to be proud of the color of my skin but to transcend the stereotypes my race represents.

I was raised in a white neighborhood, taunted on my way to grammar school just five blocks away. One time, I was even pushed.

One night, while asleep, I was awakened by a rock coming through my bedroom window. Thrown by my white racist neighbors.

In high school, I was ridiculed because of my proper dialect and my unawareness of hip hop fashion. I was black, but had grown up in a white world, with no black friends....and in high school, they make sure you know you are different.

So I have never really been proud of being an African American...or relished in the symbolism of what my ability to have a job, let alone in television means, when my family tree leads to slavery.

I couldn't, because I was too busy explaining why I talk like this and I why I live like that.

As I matured, I learned to appreciate what it means to be African American. Coming to this country as slaves, shackled, whipped, beaten, raped, separated from our families, men not allowed to raise their own child. I began to empathize with the struggles of being black, rather than being condescending about them.

But now, there is no more frustration, no more fight, no more fear about the limitations my race could possess.

Today, with millions around the world and in the Nation's Capitol, I watched a black man sworn in to the presidency. Reporters sometimes losing eloquence in their speech as they reveled in the sight they said they have never seen before...1.4 million people, on the National Mall, to witness history.

For me, he is a man from Chicago, like myself, who has dreamed for more than he had, like myself, who was raised by wonderful women, like myself, who has Black skin, like myself.

I have no limitations, no fear. I have grown from a child called nigger on her way to school, into a woman, with black skin with nothing to hold her back.

I am an an African-American and I am proud. Today, more than ever, it makes sense.

Soup & Sprite: The Future of Dating

As I rode around in Blackie (my relative's car) for the last 3 non-consecutive weeks, I really did think that finding love on a free website is possible.

It's not.

If you are on a free website, you get what you pay for. My mother has been warning me ever since she noticed that I had breasts large for a girl my age, "boys only want sex". Fast forward 20 years: "men only want sex".

If you meet them on the internet anyway.

I have met an electrician, a doctor, an accountant, an IT person, a PR person, a Locomotive engineer, a recycling plant worker. They all just want to have sex. They don't come out and say it, but I just know. Some of them should just have Iwanttohavesex@yourplacetonight.com for their e-mail address. Now Recycle, I met at a mall. He seems to be the most genuine of the bunch. A big country drawl speaking guy who wants to take me to dinner. Go figure, he's the one I did not meet online. I told him I was no longer interested in him so I could go out with the electrician. The electrician, also only wanted to have sex. But he told me he was falling in love with me...blah blah, but now he can't date me because he has no money... so now I am patching things up with Recycle...already. Recycle wants more than sex, but as you can guess, I am not sure if I am interested in him. Sigh.

I don't want to sound like a bitter internet dater who keeps coming up short, I want to keep the free internet dating hope alive.

For starters, its free. Secondly, it's free. And it's the best way to meet someone, for free. All you have to do is invest a few sentences and an e-mail address. Then messenges come straight to your cell phone, all day and all night...sometimes you can't even keep up. I have a real electronic dating life out here. My phone is on fire even though the bedroom isn't (I mean it could be but this is not want I am looking for).

And if the electronic energy is so fantastic, you can meet them at a coffee shop in person and see how it goes. Now, we are at $5. Depending on where you meet for coffee.

But this is 2009 just off the heels of 2008's economic tragedy from hell. The electrician's car was in the shop, while mine was and he just didn't feel good about meeting out for a date because he is car-less. Then we have Locomotion, who doesn't realize that people are broke and getting laid off. Even the doctor may be foreclosing on one of his 7 homes, and has laid off staff. If a working doctor is in foreclosure, umm we have a problem.

So who is going to take me out on a date? The out of touch Locomotion? Or a doctor in foreclosure? I am sure there is only one thing on their minds, sexual relief from all of this stress.

No one wants to go on a date. Those who can afford to, only want to have sex. Because they are afraid to spend money and they only want sex. Those who want to take me on a date, cannot afford to. So the best deal, is sex. The situation is so extreme, I am dumped on the side of an emotional road during a Blizzard Warning in Chicago.

But is it just the men I am meeting, or is it the economy? Or is it me? (No I am completely normal).

On one coffee date, I.T., bought a sprite while I sucked down soup. The economy has changed first meetings into soup & sprite. He seemed disinterested in me, and very interested in the cost of the sprite. I was stressed about the cost of the soup. The economy has us more stressed about the bill and who will pay, than each other. We haven't talked since.

To recap, it is hard to be sad over a dumping because there are so many men out here. Why cry over a failed free shot at love? There are millions of men. They are all e-mailing me right now. But most of them only want sex. I will have to keep surfing until I find the one who wants more than sex. Maybe sex and soup and a movie. Better yet, a Netflix. Because going to the theater is too expensive. Maybe not even a Netflix... more affordable...a burned dvd from a cousin Russel who lives in the basement.

Finding love on line will take a little longer than I thought....I won't give up, despite my serious skepticism.

It's free... and I really am hoping for a bargain...not a bust...and maybe a little more than soup and sprite.

I am hoping for meeting the man who will prove me wrong. Over soup and sprite. My treat.

The Truth About Blackie

I am having an adventure. My life is nothing short of remarkably adventurous. I am still smiling, despite extraordinary financial catastrophe. And it is all around me.... it doesn't stop. Macy's is closing stores, there will be 1,100 corporate layoffs at Walgreens, the most financially sound business on the planet and 12 suburban newspapers will be closing.

This was all just announced today. Then, I look at my friends, my social circle and its periphery. Two close relatives out of work, a new friend...unsure how to pay off a payday loan and for car repairs, a close friend loaning relatives hundreds, a closer friend behind in mortgage payments, a friend of a friend experiencing a temporary layoff.

And then there's me. Behind in every bill, while working much less, yet as much as possible, finally receiving the word my beloved brand new car is ready to be picked up from the body shop. The grand total is 16-hundred dollars, well more than I expected. Well more than I have in the bank.

And I am still smiling. I am still excited about life...I haven't killed anyone, or myself and I do not have the desire to do so. I have also lost the desire to rob a bank. My dream of running into a bank with a note written on my own personal check and without a mask on was short-lived.

About two weeks ago, I was bogged down with despair, worry and frustration. The 700 rental car bill was enough to make me want to pass out on the floor at Enterprise Rent A Car "where they willl pick you up".

But then, I got Blackie. Because a close relative is out of work, I can drive her car, free of charge, no $150 deposit required. Blackie is a 1995 Acura Integra, with a brand new black paint job. She drives and looks fantastic and has endured my amazing commute to work and countless hours behind the wheel. She keeps up with me and she enjoys it, and my burned Beyonce/Rhianna mix cd sounds great (as long as you don't hit a pothole, lock the keys in the car while it is running, or run out of gas).

I am so grateful, because having Blackie has saved me hundreds I don't have to spend and allowed me to continue my fast paced life. I can still zip home, zip to mom's, zip to work and zip to the freelance gig, when it is happening...right now it is.

I have even met a new friend while with Blackie, enjoying the excitement of meeting someone new...someone I get along with...someone who makes me laugh... someone who is an unwilling participant of a society steeped rich in budget cuts and disasters. Needless to say, we get along great.

Driving with Blackie is more like riding with an old friend, a familiar symbol of family support and I inevitably have figured out a few things. For starters, my life isn't so bad. I not only have access to a car, but I am in a position to be trusted with someone's car.

I have probably driven Blackie for 3 unconsecutive weeks. No pressure no drama (other than the lock out and the gas out).

I have realized while driving her, that it feels good to share a mutual attraction with someone and at some point, I want to be able to save more money than I spend.

I rarely buy food these days, I eat what I have in the cupboard or others who have invited me to lunch or dinner have unknowingly provided me with my only meal of the day.

So I have lost at least 6 pounds and 70% of my hair since all of this started.

At first, I was very upset about my hair, a chemical disaster (I'll just leave it at that), but now I am growing to love it. I look more polished and my hair is more work to groom, but much easier to maintain. I may even keep it short. It is like a new beginning, a new year, new hair and a new car. I am even getting a new windshield.... a new view... a new outlook. No more long curling crack snaking across the glass threatening to sever in two in any minute. No more broken dreams. Just a smooth clear road ahead.

My vision is clear, my hair is neat, it looks much more polished, I will be able to see better on the road and maybe, just maybe I will be able to continue doing what is best for me... not necessarily whatever I want, but what is best.

I am not one to make new year's resolutions, but I want to spend this year slimmer, happier, more polished, less stressed and hopefully in love.

Even if I end the year fat, stressed and without polish and single, I guarantee you, I will be happy, with money in the bank.

My car won't have a boot on it either. But it may be out of gas.

Thanks Blackie