Change is here, But it is Hard to Find

There are plenty of things for me to do these days.....but still seems as if it isn't enough. Tv Station during the day, promoting video games during the evening...time share tour promotion...on the weekends.

All of this work now means, checks are on the way later...of course I am happy about that...but I am still not fulfilled. There are only so many stories I can cover, without the aid of a photographer...and so many nights I can promote at bars..to people trying their best to enjoy an evening out without a t-shirt getting thrown in their face.

It really would be nice to not have to worry about the bottom dropping out under my feet financially because I have been laid off from work...and it would be so nice to confide all of my future plans and goals with someone who cares about me completely....someone other than my mother...or my best friend.

And I do share these conversations with others, but I suppose, as I have mentioned before, in addition to true career success, I also crave true, genuine, uninhibited love.

Up to this point, I have met men at clubs, I have met men via the Internet and I have met men just out and about and all of the relationships simply imploded. The weight of the economic crisis shattered our romance into one billion pieces, leaving me disappointed, but luckily no longer depressed. At this point it is nothing short of humorous and it is a fantastic tale to share.

The latest addition was a Real Estate Agent. The Agent is tall dark and handsome, with zero percent body fat and a gap toothed smile. He is extremely attentive and conscientious and his interest began with an offer to buy me a drink and it continued with an offer to make me tea with honey and lime. But as time went on and our relationship grew closer and as the marriage discussions flirted in and out of conversations over healthy breakfasts...it ended. Just like that. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. Ok. So here we have an Agent, trying to sell a house when no one is willing to pay the price it is being offered for. And that is just the beginning of it all. If your income revolves around home sales and nothing has been sold in months...the faucet of money is literally turned off. It's over. So there is nothing left to maintain a certain lifestyle and nothing left to have the capability to financially maintain.

I can relate to that. I totally understand frankly...but it would be nicer if I just stop ending up with men who may aspire to date but realize they simply need God or a job....not a woman. It's nice to know you have that effect on people...three dates with me, then they are compelled to fast for a week and attend church to get their life on track.

I suppose some one-hundred dollars and 3 lime teas later I was too much of a financial liability for someone dealing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But everyone has the weight of the world on their shoulders. Just about everyone. I have only met two men in my quest for love that were financially stable and their job showed no signs of problems.

The engineer, or maybe he was a computer programmer, I can't recall because he was boring, or perhaps depressed. All he wanted to do is watch tv. When we met he only ordered a Sprite and barely drank it. The Police Officer, was completely and totally and I use this word sparingly: crazy. I honestly thought he would shoot me if we ever had an argument. He even flashed his badge when we met. A complete and total attractive weirdo who is running around with a gun. After a week of phone calls, I couldn't take it anymore.

But the nice, caring, intelligent, attentive ones are unemployed...and unfortunately are so dragged down by their problems....they are incapable of being constructively introspective so they can move along with life...and figure out what their next move can be.

I have already endured one of the worse experiences in my life, so I feel I am made for this challenge of creatively generating income, keeping my head above water and carrying around the cojones to make another move in my life. Is it scary....yes, am I slightly apprehensive yes... but am I going to do it? Yes. And I wish others would too. Instead of wallowing in their situations they can use this rock bottom status to really make a change. It's only hard to change, because so many are afraid, not because they are incapable, but because of fear of failure.

But if you are laid off from work, if you cannot afford to go to school, if you aren't selling homes, if you hate your job, shouldn't you just take this opportunity to take a chance? Do something? Get out of this rut?

Because...I need a date. And I don't want the date to flip out and run to church afterwards because we kissed. And because people need a serious self esteem boost and wouldn't making a life-altering decision like selling your dang-on near foreclosed property instead of watching the value disintegrate or moving to another country...the country you always dreamed of living in seem like not too bad of an idea right now?

But don't get me wrong, I am following my own hunches. I am overcoming the fear, so I can make a change like tomorrow.

Change is here, but it is hard to find, because we are not looking at what is right in front of us.

I would like to mention when I originally began writing this post...it was going to be about racism...but my words went in another direction. It is so unfortunate...that racism still exists....the uncomfortableness of a crowd when a brown face is among them...it really breaks my heart. In 2009, people should not feel uncomfortable when entering an establishment where other races congregate and they are the minority, when it is apparent others really don't want you there, simply because your skin is different than theirs. It is unfortunate and it makes me cry. Change in regards to racism, I also would like to believe is here, but it is hard to find.

Finally...Thank God

When you work two jobs, spending your days running around with a tv camera and your nights broadcasting weather...and your weekends...marketing and promoting whatever product for whatever company pays the most...you forget about church. Or at least I do.

I shouldn't say I forget about it...it's always in the back of my mind.... a little piece of guilt that I am pushing vacation travel at a fishing show in Rockford rather than praying in the pew alongside others who are trying to start the week with a fresh start.

But what I have forgotten frankly and so pleasantly reminded about everytime I go back...is how wonderful church is. And how relaxing it is. And for a few moments I am not worried about the stock market or recession related violence or layoffs, I am thinking about God.

My rat-race paced life, which after layoffs have happened at my job, seems to have picked up even more. There is minimal time to engage in meaningful conversations with my co-worker friends...minimal time to have coffee before I work on a story...minimal time to make sure I look my best...I only have time...barely...to get it all done. Thank goodness today, one of my assignments sent me to the middle of a cornfield in Indiana to a Catholic Church where they were observing Good Friday.

They were praying and singing in unison...and then the entire congregation kissed a wooden cross that symbolized the cross Jesus died on...on this day.

Then, they held communion, prayed and said the Lord's Prayer.

As the priest walked down the aisle with the cross...I was thinking about the horrible torture Jesus went through....really....he was beaten, whipped and then nailed to a cross...and symbolically speaking it was in exchange for forgiveness of our sins. And whether or not you believe that Jesus died for us...you must agree it was a horrible death. And I here I am...during the Lenten fast...eating sugar...although I alledgedly gave it up for Lent. I really feel bad about that now.

I was also reminded today to forgive those who trespass against us. I have harbored so much anger...I have been angry at those who have treated me poorly in my romantic and social relationships....due to the economy. But more recently, I have been angry at the economic downturn and it's ripple effect on our society. It really is bad if hundreds are laid off and cannot pay their debts and if marriages are falling apart because they cannot withstand the stress of financial catastrophe. Or people killing people...in mass numbers.

As I left the church...I felt calmer...grateful for this brief moment with God even though I was on the clock. Maybe if everyone...impacted by the economy takes a moment to pray, thank God for the blessings we have and forgive those who have hurt us...we will be happier...more at peace and better able to handle the worst that comes our way.

How bad off can we be if we are online...reading and writing....rather than getting whipped and beaten?

Thank God.